hearts on loose.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009, 11:34 PM
No strings attached
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.
I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.
Lord is hard for me to see all the thought and plan You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You. Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart.
I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing. I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true. I will sing.
He will make a way, when there seems to be no way. ~jcyw (L)
Saturday, July 11, 2009, 11:54 PM
Mission Impossible
"And nothing is impossible being NOTHING, even if you think you're inadequate or unworthy of His love and when you run away.. He still finds you in that secret place.The place where you break down and start digging the desert sand for where you left your heart behind before you got distracted - because all you are now is just an entire heap of flesh without His Spirit." - from Liling's blogger.
DEAR GOD, IT'S YOUR HEART I WANT TO TRUST.
Matt was preaching on the issue about how sin is more than just committing murder, lying, cheating etc. Every inclination of the thoughts of our heart has only evil all the time. It is in the human nature to destroy, not always literally, but it starts with the smallest things - competitiveness and even jealousy. Outwit, outplay and outlast. Is that really all we ever think of? God grieved when he sees all those thoughts clouding our mind. It aches His heart more than anyone else's. But it never seems to bother us, does it? All these while i've been feeling like crap cos i know that it wasn't the right thing to do. Still, i harbor those thoughts and cause myself to turn away from x. Perhaps Kris was right, that x was doing the same cos the feeling was mutual. (this is so not about guys pls) But i still felt so argh everytime the same thing happens over again like a stupid broken recorder that's on playback. Honestly, this is not all. I can't get over the fact that this darn insecurity crap is churning inside of me everytime i think of xyz. It's especially about taking on the role of a xyz thats making me feel so unworthy. Like i really don't deserve it at all simply cos i just ain't good enough. It's not about the physical insecurities, really. I'm so over that and really can't be bothered to kill my brain cells over what others think of me. But it's just so difficult to be something when you're just not up to it. I'm not backing out cos i'm a quitter. Cos if you know me well enough you would know i'm not. Thing is, i just can't face the fact that it is His plan for me. It is the best eventually, i know. Just give me some time to adjust to it. Perhaps then, i'll get used to it. For now, just let me get used to the rest of the world and slowly fade away from it all.
ps: i'm thankful for my mt oral, even though i think i kinda screwed it up. the topic was pretty simple and i actually had got things to elaborate on. thank God.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 10:38 PM
Falling off the edge
And I know that God is leading in a clear and certain way. My one life for your purpose, Jesus, I offer up this day. To follow you completely, to do all that you say. Cleanse my life, fill me up, and use me this day. Make a certain breakthrough, make it today.I feel like a hypocrite. A liar lying behind that pretty face. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. To live in self-denial because the truth is too much for me to handle. Maybe i should just shut up because every time i try to help, i end up causing more trouble, hurting everyone else, inclusive of the person i see in the mirror. Well i used to anticipate growing up but now i just wanna stay sixteen forever. No wait, let me go back to being fifteen instead. Let me make up for all the lost time, rebuild some relationships and reconsider some others because i went through an ending that wasn't what it was like in those fairytales - which are all a pack of lies btw because 'happily ever after' does not exists and its only capable of fooling young children. Right now i feel like a prisoner on death row and i don't want to be. It's the waiting that kills, not the execution. Don't you get what i mean? It sucks having to sit and stare, tangled up in sticky situations when you actually see an escape route but you just can't seem to get to it. I want to let God take control, take over the wheels. Thing is, this motor vehicle has already broken down. It's useless piece of crap, not worth any salvaging. But then again, despite all the different emotions stirring inside of me right now. I'm glad i'm still able to find some gratitude left(sound familiar? think twentieth april), that is, i am still alive. And i ought to thank _ for that text message which reminded me that indeed, our Father needs thanks giving as well. Sometimes i may not know Your ways, sometimes i may not understand and sometimes i can't trace your hand, but i'm going to trust Your heart. Because faith is the only thing that's keeping me going right now. And i pray i won't lose it.
Irony, irony, irony.
I hate being a lit student. Give me a simpler mind please.
Goodbye.
Saturday, June 06, 2009, 11:41 PM
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
I spent the 45 minutes of the journey to Woodlands this afternoon, thinking how i should go about sharing with the team about my week or what i should say about my 'fears'(since Jerrold mentioned it in the email so i thought we were supposed to share it). Well, its a fact that i am afraid of creepy crawlies, heights, nightmares, public speaking, all kinds of animals(except Princess of course), exams and so on. But honestly, fear is way more than just that.Well, so i still kept thinking about what i should say at the pre-rehearsal prayer. Until i saw the whole stack of daily bread(a reading material) on the table beside the stage. I picked a piece up, flipped it, and came to a really random passage which talked about fears. I read it and was amazed about what i had just read.
Into The Unknown: One of the greatest obstacles we face in following Christ is fear of the unknown. We yearn to know in advance the outcome of our obedience and where He is taking us, yet we are given only the assurance that He is with us and that He is in charge. And with that, we venture into the unknown with Him. Abraham modeled the response of a person who is willing to walk with God into an uncertain future."By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called... And he went out, not knowing where he was going." (Hebrews 11:8) Abraham knew that God had called him and had given him a promise-and that was enough. He was willing to entrust his future to the Lord....
Spot on. Thing is, what if i lack the faith, or even the courage to go forth in carrying out His plan? I really do hate the feeling of being insecure. It's just like like being unsure about what's gonna happen next. Like you don't know where the bobby traps are hidden. And the fear of stepping onto one of them rips your soul so bad that you're struggling just to stay alive.
---
I wanted to walk home just now. Spend some time thinking through certain things and all. But i guess i managed to do all that on the long bus ride. And because i was on heels the entire day(which made my feet scream for mercy btw), so i dropped the idea of walking home and missed enjoying the night's cool breeze.
Oh and before i forget, there's a full moon tonight.
Saturday, May 02, 2009, 11:17 PM
Tear down those walls
And this is my prayer in the fireIn weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
Friday, April 24, 2009, 11:02 PM
Question: Will i miss you?
"When there's no getting over that rainbow, when my smallest of dreams wont come true, I can take all the madness the world has to give, but i wont last a day without You."All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. ~Sean O'Casey
This week:
i. Monday's blues.
ii. B&J Free Cone Day with Amanda, Louise, Terry and Junhao.
iii. Had a really nice talk with someone that has a hill resort named after him. Heh.
iv. Sudden overwhelming sense of over-competitiveness. SUX.
v. "Charmaine, you know what, you buy ACJC uniform then go poly and wear." -Nadhirah.
vi. Global warming is going to kill us all. Seriously.
vii. Got punished for laughing too loudly. -.-
viii. I really love Chem though Mdm Teoh's frequent pms freaks me out.
ix. Trial practical exam was in a mess. Spell desserts backwards.
x. Studied for two hours with crazy woman today and got a free ruler as a reward.
As i look back on the week, i realised how my God is a fair God. He made me cry like never before on the day that was supposed to be the best day of my life, yet He's also capable of making me laugh and smile over the littlest thing ever. What more can i ask for?
Nothing but Your love, King Jesus.
Labels: Jesus, joy, school/friends, thoughts
Monday, April 20, 2009, 7:49 PM
Sixteen years worth of bruises and blunders
Precious Lord reveal your heart to me.
Father hold me, hold me.
Father hold me, hold me.
(Bring me back to You, because it's Your heart i want to trust.)
My heart is as frail as a dove/ And my spirit is as weak as a rose/ See my sorrow, feel my pain/ You're my refuge, You're my reason/ My strength in this beautiful place / That's where I find God
Dear God, where are you? Am i not trying hard enough?
I left the house feeling like the entire world's smiling at me. But in less than a couple of hours later, everything changed. Then, it started pouring instantly. They say, the man up there must be feeling equally devastated upon seeing those tears flowing down my face uncontrollably. I stood up, and went to a place where i could see the sky clearly. "Why?" I asked, staring up the dark and gloomy sky. But there was no answer. --- And so i went through the motion until the last bell rang went off at two fifty pm. A walking zombie, some might say. Not until they did something that cheered this pathetic soul up. It started with an introduction, in my very own classroom. She said, "You've got thirty minutes, run!!" But i had no strength at all. As i walked up the stairs, took a right turn and ended up outside the classroom i used to study in two years back, a million images flashed through my mind. Perhaps that's what they meant by 'walking down the memory lane'. The next stop was at the Library. Here's the part where the guys did the crazy thaipusam thingy during Music lessons and the Art work that could never done whenever we were brought down to the Library by Mr Sairi. Station three: The second floor girls' toilet. Trust the girls to come up with such an idea. But true enough, i'll never forget how we'd come up with excuses to go to the toilet together and all those remarks that went "Eh my hair messy anot ah?". Then comes the final stage before the big thing. I was given 'The Clay Marble' and a list of instructions to follow. The Clay Marble - how could i ever forget this? The time we ran in the rain to Nicole's house and got drenched from the inside out. The time when we fed the mosquitoes while waiting for Louise's perfect "NO". The time when our trailer made it to the Literature Festival. Well, i didn't follow the instructions. Simply because i saw them running towards the ISH and everyone else were 'camping' up there.
However terrible my day was, despite it being my birthday, you guys stood by me. And that, i should be thankful for. Honestly, i know i'm a very blessed child. I really know it. Yet when things start to make a three hundred and sixty degrees turn, i complain and claim that this world is unfair. I'm sorry for being so selfish. But i really am tired of caring for everyone else, besides the person i see in the mirror. As ironic as it may sound, it doesn't hurt anymore, only because it has already gone numb. I know i've got tonnes of explanations to do. And i do know that any decision i make would leave at least a person hurt. So here's what. I'm going to make a choice, i don't want to love anymore. Don't tell me you'd be waiting no matter how long it's gonna take, cos let me tell you it's not worth it. I'm not afraid of falling down again. I really ain't. It's just the process that i'm sick and tired of going through again and again. I'm really tired of trying to salvage all those relationships with the people i've lost along the way. And despite all that, you people never seem to realise. If you didn't know, the day you walked out of my life, you took my heart along and left something called scars. Don't tell me to cheer up and smile, because the people that should be caring, actually ain't giving a damn.
If you're dying to know the reason why, too bad, i'm not saying. All you have to know is that those tears were not shed for the male species on this earth. Go figure.
Besides all the variety of emotions stirring up inside of me right now, i'm glad i could still find some gratitude left and here's to all those that helped make today a better one. Special thanks to the Poppins + the boys for the really unforgettable birthday plan/surprise/celebration, Syah for her 0809 massage, Alawiyyah for keeping me company and asking if i'm okay countless of times, BFF for your prayer and for just being there and Koe for the midnight surprise. Not forgetting those who flooded my inbox and facebook page with your birthday wishes as well. I really do appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
When the world has fallen out from under me/ I'll be found in You, still standing/ Every fear and accusation under my feet/ When time and space are through/ I'll be found in You.
I am going to sleep. Because when you sleep, everything slows down (for once) and those things that would make you cry, slowly fades away as well. I am going to sleep.
Labels: birthday, Jesus, joy, school/friends, thoughts
Monday, April 06, 2009, 8:55 PM
Desperate
"You can be the head prefect, CEO of a listed company, get a string of distinctions - but you won't get His heart."
For this is my deepest desire, this is my soul's desperate cry.Masks. I think i mentioned about this before. I had my fair share of living in masks, living in denial and i'm really tired of all this. I'm tired of having to live the way i want to and not considering how the man up there would feel. I'm tired of bearing grudges on the people around me. I'm tired of running and not knowing where i'm heading towards. Face the reality. I guess i'm placing all my trust, faith and confidence on other things rather than the One i'm supposed to give it to. I'm crying out all for the wrong reasons. Everything's turning out wrong. Time management, priorities, relationships, studies etc. I don't want to feel this way - but i just can't help it. It's the freaking ego inside me that needs to be thrashed. I NEED TO STOP BEING OVER COMPETITIVE. Humility. Teach me to be like You. I want to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and feel how it's like to walk around it in. I hate being judged by someone who don't know me. The irony is, i'm doing just that. I used to think highly of my self-worth. Yet now, what's there left to be proud of? Nothing. I feel like a jug that's been emptied out completely - nothing left to give. "If its me You're calling, i will go". Remember that? Right now, I highly doubt I'm even good enough to give anything. Everything's changing so quickly around me that there's hardly enough time to catch up. Is it really me, that's lagging behind? Or am i just refusing to catch up. It kinda seems like the sun's setting and its never gonna rise again. There's no spark of hope left. Procrastination's my biggest enemy. But they say make friends with your enemies in order to conquer them. I think i'm the one that's being won over instead. Those bucket full of tears can't be compared to those blood You've shed. If each sin I've committed can be converted to a piece of paper, i bet an entire chocolate factory can contain all of it. Why, tell me the reason why. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PICK ME UP AND TELL ME IT'S OK WHEN I KNOW IT'S NOT OK AND THAT I'M SO FREAKING UNDESERVING. I really can't do this anymore. No more strength to pull through. If this is what you want, fine, you win. I surrender. Take it all away, I don't need it - just give me Jesus.
Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see You.
Saturday, March 21, 2009, 11:24 PM
Stars
Dear God, i know i haven't exactly been that good girl You want me to be. Still, is it too much to ask yet again for answers that i've been longing to hear? I come before You tonight in humility and ask for Your forgiveness. It's hard being sixteen(soon-to-be), especially with everything that i've been facing all these while. I try so hard to put up a strong front, but the heart doesn't lie. It really does hurt. I've been wanting to salvage certain relationships with some of the closest people in my life. But as the saying goes,"It takes two hands to make a clap." It's not gonna work out, unless the other party makes an effort too. I really don't want to lose that someone. Thing is, every time i pick up the phone, punch in those numbers(which has already become part of my memory), i don't know where to start. Wipe out this fear that's consuming my heart, Lord. I'm leaving this at the foot of the cross, and into Your hands I WILL commit again. Even if i don't understand, or when i can't see the plan, it's Your heart i'm gonna trust. I've planted the seed, now, it's up to You to see to its growth. Monday, March 16, 2009, 5:01 PM
Sunshine after the rain
ALRIGHT, so it's been quite a while since i had a decent post done up. Pardon me, it's just hard being sixteen(soon-to-be). Go figure."It is meant to be hard, and hard is what makes it great."
So much have happened since 2009 kicked in; so many changes, so many things to do. Sometimes i wonder why on earth am i doing here, letting time pass me by like that. And sometimes i wish i could move on to a better place, a place without bitterness, rage and jealously. But, (as cliche as it may sound) i know i'm called here for a reason. However energy consuming it may be, i still feel the satisfaction whenever i am able to do something to help make someone smile. Even when sometimes it's so hard to be a good friend, or when inadequacy takes over me, it's ultimately what He wants for me that counts. To a certain extent, this feeling is somewhat like the situation Paul was in. True enough, it is indeed better to depart from this selfish world to be with Him, considering how awesome it would have been to be up there. On the other hand, it was more necessary to remain here, because of the unfinished works He have created for you and i. So despite all that i'm going through, i will press on, because i know He's worth it all.
"Father if you're willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Luke 22:42
So.. I've gotten my Term 1 PRR(Pupil Progress Report) back last Friday. Good news: three As this term + a huge jump from a failing grade to a three for Emath. (ALL SMILES) I must really thank both Mdm Teoh and Mdm Nur Laila for the improvement in my Chem and Emath respectively. I guess they're the reason why i'm learning to love these two subjects. ^^ Bad news: eight and nine for English and Chinese respectively. Ha ha ha. Why is it not a surprise to see a nine for Chinese? And to quote Mrs Dass: "Your school sux at English, big time." Like what on earth, the level's average for English is 41.6%. Joke or what.
Anyway, MOE gave me an expected L1R5 of 19.8(!!!). The school's kinder though, they gave me a 14. I am so gonna disappoint them by hitting ≥10 for it.
Speaking of school, i didn't die last week like i said i would due to the flu/cough/fever/sore throat/etc. In fact, i think there were moments i really treasured and would never ever want to forget in this life. For many people, the highlight of the last week of Term 1 was Sports Day 2009. To me, it was more than just any other Sports Day. It was my last. Plus one thing that added onto its importance, it was the 12th of March - Lee Wee Nee's 16th.
First of all, i wanna say that i am happy for Strathmore being the champion house for Sports Day this year. Still, i haven't given up on my one and only love, Belvedere(sounds like some ancient love story lolz). It wasn't easy being the vice house captain, but you guys made me smile with the littlest things you do. It was a really close fight and i do see all of your efforts. Much love for all of you. :*
B is for Belvedere. I love Belvedere. Part II of the day: Wee's birthday celebration. After we were dismissed, i went to change with Wee and then dragged her around Queenstown stadium while getting 16 random people(girls) to kiss/hug her. Sweet stuff for a sweet sixteen. ^^ Now here comes the eggciting part. I had the honour of blindedfolding her, while Nicole snap pictures of the process. Held the birthday girl by the hand together with Lou as we headed down to Vivo. All 5 of us planted uncountable kisses on Wee as she lived in darkness for 2 hours straight - we didn't spare her any mercy, even managed to employ two FOC Maria to feed her during lunch(Lou + Putri). A few instructors form Camp High Achievers walked into LJS and saw the note that says "It's my birthday!" on Wee's back and started to sing her a birthday song too. It felt like a kazilion years while we waited for those guys who ate at Carls' Junior to come back and when they finally did, we saved the poor birthday girl who was still living in darkness and allowed her to see light. I hope you had fun, Wee!
Cos you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do. That's why I'm by your side, and that's why I love you.Besides the strong bonds i've created with these awesome friends in school, i must thank God for blessing me with some more people i can relate heart to heart with in Church. Well, co-leading with Jerrold on Saturday wasn't that bad afterall. Despite the really bad sore throat, i still enjoyed worship very much. Jie asked me how did my co-leading go when i got home that night. I told her i sang horribly, but my heart smiled and that was the only thing that mattered. I wanna give You my heart. ^^ Sunday was fun because i had tuition and i understood everything Ah leow said + I made my way down to AMK, got lost at AMK Hub but found my way to Kris' place(heh i took a cab). It was raining cats and dogs outside but that didn't stop four of us crazy people playing rockband over and over again, laughing like ladies during dinner, camwhoring with fruits(STRAWBERRIES + grapes), mac-ing over 300+ shots followed by 'Agnus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging'. You made my Sunday a beautiful one. Luvvvvvv.
My heart is here with you forever. ♥Oh and before i forget, tomorrow's the MT Mock Exam. Ha ha ha, i am so prepared to see another nine on my paper. Ah well, at least the march hols are finally here. Wait, have i mentioned that i've to be back in school for remedials everyday this week? March hols, what hols?! On a brighter note, i'm meeting Wooge for lunch tomorrow. And hopefully, i can get to spend Wednesday afternoon with BFF before going for Cheena tuition(oh the irony) together. Meeting up with Best on Thursday(LIKE FINALLY!!!! ^^). And if time permits, mugging session with ACB before Channel Heaven Reloaded on Friday night. Woah, i am a busy girl.
K, it's 2329. Goodnight!
Labels: friends, Jesus, joy, school, thoughts
Sunday, February 22, 2009, 5:39 PM
Stronger Than
I wasn't ready for these emotions
That are taking over me
I swear I'm stronger than these emotions
But they're taking over me
That are taking over me
I swear I'm stronger than these emotions
But they're taking over me
This week has been a roller coaster ride. The ups made me go sky high while the downs made me ponder over certain issues pretty much a little too seriously. Both contributed evenly in the result of my extreme mood swings which eventually made me question my capability and led to those feelings of inadequacy.
I believe in You. But it's myself i can't trust.
---
@1949: So blessed I can't contain it/ So much I got to give it away/ Your love has taught me to live now/ You are more than enough for me Dear God, if it's really me You're calling, i will go.
Thursday, February 19, 2009, 9:42 PM
Sober
Run, baby, run/ Don't ever look back/ They'll tear us apart/ If you give them the chance/ Don't sell your heart/ Don't say we're not meant to be/ Run, baby, run/ Forever will be/ You and meYesterday:
i. Keep whining to everyone about the butterflies in my stomach.
ii. Had a short but awesome session of sky gazing with Syah + Siti while hanging at the IPU bar.
iii. Screwed up E.Math test. (Probability of failing it = 2/5.)
iv. Missed the last lesson of the day (CHINESE!!!) for the sports heats.
v. Almost died after my first event. Survived.
vi. Went for the second. Survived.
vii. Gave Susan a little surprise for her _th birthday.
viii. Accepted their invitation for dinner together, though i had a million reasons not to.
ix. Got a ride back in that same SILVER cab. I think i fell asleep.
x. Showered and KO at 9pm.
Survived not only on the tracks, but the day in a whole, with God's grace. ♥
Labels: birthday, Jesus, joy, school, thoughts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 8:46 PM
Between The Lines
Charmaine is having butterflies in her stomach.
Charmaine can't help but think about what's gonna happen in 17 hours.
Charmaine needs to chill.
Your Word is a light unto my path/ Your Love guides me through my darkest night/ And even though sometimes Your ways/ I cannot understand/ I’ll never walk away because my future’s/ In Your hands/ I don’t care what people will say/ I’m running after You/ I won’t turn back and go their way/ Cos I’m running after You/ Don’t matter what may come my way/ I’m running after You/ It's You I'm following today/ I’m running after You
I'm running after You.
"be strong and courageous for the Lord is with you"
(thank you, i really needed it.)
Sunday, February 15, 2009, 10:34 PM
Forget Me Not
The thing about love
Is I never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there's a voice inside my heart that's got me wondering
Is this true, I want to hear it one more time
My Valentine's Day 2009:It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there's a voice inside my heart that's got me wondering
Is this true, I want to hear it one more time
A big bouquet of sunflowers, three cactus for three vip(s), pretty artificial flowers, handwritten notes, hugs + kisses, heart warming smiles captured by the beauty of photography.
More pictures on Facebook, click here.
Dear Jesus, thank you for making me smile so much for the past few days. You let me enjoy Valentine's Day with these lovely people and made me a very happy girl. Thank you for showing me once again that it's not difficult being happy, in fact it's just a simple choice - to continue to drown yourself in misery and self-pity or to realise that that's more to life than just being an emotional freak. Thank you, for allowing me to learn how to love, though it was in a very hard way.
With love, from me to you. ♥
(13th/14th February 2009)
(13th/14th February 2009)
Labels: friends, Jesus, joy, thoughts
Sunday, February 08, 2009, 11:41 PM
Hiding Places
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One thing I know that I have found/ Through all the troubles that surround/ You are the Rock that never fails/ You never fail/ One thing I know that I believe/ Through every blessing I receive/ You are the only One that stays/ You always stay"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength" Phil 4:13
I need contentment and faith. I shall not live in want. I will learn to be satisfied. I will not grumble. I will not worry. I'm gonna be a loving and compassionate christian.
I'm thankful.
This week's gonna be a good week. ^^
Monday, January 19, 2009, 11:38 PM
The Human Weakness
You'll take me back alwaysAnd even when my fight is over now
Even when my fight is over now
You'll take me back always
And even when my pain is coming through
Even when my pain is coming through
You'll take me back always
"29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:29-32
You're my #1 priority. I'll follow You, even if it takes me to the ends of the earth. I'll give You my heart, only because You're the only One that can make it whole again. I'll love You, only because You first loved me.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009, 11:23 PM
Beautifully Broken
It seems like yesterday, that my world fell from the skyIt seems like yesterday, I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow that I may not get by
But I will try, I will try to wipe the tears from my eyes
Alright, so we've all been back to school for nine days now. In the beginning, i went pretty much crazy about the fact that i am already a Secondary Four student and that i'll be sitting for a very important national examination towards the end of the year. Despite it being a crucial year and that there's no time to waste, i wasted a week away and only came to my senses when i witnessed the 2008 graduating batch collecting their results.
Spell desserts backwards. (!!!)
Oh and i finally managed to finish reading A Girls' Life with God last week. K, it took me a long time to finish the book cos i lacked discipline. I guess it's my attitude towards certain things that ought to change. I need to stop procrastinating and start working. I shall not complain but give thanks. I have to understand others' plight, climb into their skin and walk around in it. I must learn to love.
Faith, strength and courage + His forgiveness.
That's all i need, for now.
Labels: Jesus, school, thoughts
Saturday, January 10, 2009, 10:55 PM
Broken Strings
Oh it tears me upI try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay
Sometimes when no one hears, someone else does, without you knowing it:
i. Have been thinking a lot about issues on change + masks.
ii. Matt talked about it today.
iii. A song was playing in my head during service.
iv. It was the closing song.
v. Jesus knows.
Dear God,
where are You? I need some answers, pretty much desperately. I really can't do this on my own. I'm not strong enough. This series of change is much more difficult than i thought it would have been. Search me, and know my anxious thoughts. Give me clean hands and a pure heart. I know You hear my cries, but why aren't You responding? I don't want to trust my heart anymore. I need You.
I held it all back, until i wrote your name under my prayer list.
Oh the irony.
Sunday, January 04, 2009, 1:05 AM
Unspoken Thoughts
Change my heart oh GodMake it ever true
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You
Change is a process, it doesn't take immediate effect.
Dear God, help me to pull through this year.
Friday, January 02, 2009, 10:23 PM
One Thing
"God isn't asking us to fully understand, but instead, for our full obedience."So i welcomed 2009 with a light heart, and i'm thankful for it. Though i may never understand why He would allow such a thing like this to happen to His beloved child, i know that ultimately, He still has the best plan for me. And that, should be more than anything i could ever ask for.
To be honest, it's still a hard fact to swallow. I never fully understood the reason to many things that took place in my life, majority of which i didn't even want to appear in the history of my life. Charlotte shared at the group three meetup on the 30th saying that 'letting go' and 'giving up' are two separate issues. I was initially pretty much eager to leave as i had a splitting headache and had actually forced myself to be present at that meetup. Despite having a tough day and almost obviously looking moodless, i was anticipating what she had to say. And so she said, letting go is about letting God take control of that thing you're trying so hard to hold onto. On the other hand, giving up is simply throwing that thing aside, not wanting anyone to offer you any help and having that i-don't-want-to-care-anymore attitude. Her words kept playing over again in my head like a spoilt recorder. So am i letting go or giving up on _?
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Anyway, here's about my first day of school:
i. The school looks sad and abandoned.
ii. Teachers claim the upgrading works would be completed soon, i laugh it off.
iii. Miss Ho is no longer our Math teacher, but she's Belvedere's House Mistress.
iv. I miss Best and SSW. :(
v. Poppins are not gonna have packed lunch for recess, we're gonna have a picnic.
To sum it all up, i still can't believe i'm a Secondary Four student, getting the O Level F&N Coursework Part A question a week(or less), turning sixteen in four months, sitting for the O Level MT paper in half a year and facing the giant with the rest of the country in the Sep-Nov period.
Oh how cool is that.
Labels: Jesus, school/friends, thoughts
Charmaine is God's Child.
(I am far from perfect. But i will be perfect for that imperfect someone who is perfect for me.)
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"Above all else, guard your heart, for its the wellspring of life."
-Proverbs 3:12