hearts on loose.
Monday, April 06, 2009, 8:55 PM
Desperate
"You can be the head prefect, CEO of a listed company, get a string of distinctions - but you won't get His heart."
For this is my deepest desire, this is my soul's desperate cry.Masks. I think i mentioned about this before. I had my fair share of living in masks, living in denial and i'm really tired of all this. I'm tired of having to live the way i want to and not considering how the man up there would feel. I'm tired of bearing grudges on the people around me. I'm tired of running and not knowing where i'm heading towards. Face the reality. I guess i'm placing all my trust, faith and confidence on other things rather than the One i'm supposed to give it to. I'm crying out all for the wrong reasons. Everything's turning out wrong. Time management, priorities, relationships, studies etc. I don't want to feel this way - but i just can't help it. It's the freaking ego inside me that needs to be thrashed. I NEED TO STOP BEING OVER COMPETITIVE. Humility. Teach me to be like You. I want to be able to put myself in someone else's shoes and feel how it's like to walk around it in. I hate being judged by someone who don't know me. The irony is, i'm doing just that. I used to think highly of my self-worth. Yet now, what's there left to be proud of? Nothing. I feel like a jug that's been emptied out completely - nothing left to give. "If its me You're calling, i will go". Remember that? Right now, I highly doubt I'm even good enough to give anything. Everything's changing so quickly around me that there's hardly enough time to catch up. Is it really me, that's lagging behind? Or am i just refusing to catch up. It kinda seems like the sun's setting and its never gonna rise again. There's no spark of hope left. Procrastination's my biggest enemy. But they say make friends with your enemies in order to conquer them. I think i'm the one that's being won over instead. Those bucket full of tears can't be compared to those blood You've shed. If each sin I've committed can be converted to a piece of paper, i bet an entire chocolate factory can contain all of it. Why, tell me the reason why. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PICK ME UP AND TELL ME IT'S OK WHEN I KNOW IT'S NOT OK AND THAT I'M SO FREAKING UNDESERVING. I really can't do this anymore. No more strength to pull through. If this is what you want, fine, you win. I surrender. Take it all away, I don't need it - just give me Jesus.
Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see You.
Charmaine is God's Child.
(I am far from perfect. But i will be perfect for that imperfect someone who is perfect for me.)
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"Above all else, guard your heart, for its the wellspring of life."
-Proverbs 3:12