hearts on loose.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009, 10:38 PM
Falling off the edge
And I know that God is leading in a clear and certain way. My one life for your purpose, Jesus, I offer up this day. To follow you completely, to do all that you say. Cleanse my life, fill me up, and use me this day. Make a certain breakthrough, make it today.I feel like a hypocrite. A liar lying behind that pretty face. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. To live in self-denial because the truth is too much for me to handle. Maybe i should just shut up because every time i try to help, i end up causing more trouble, hurting everyone else, inclusive of the person i see in the mirror. Well i used to anticipate growing up but now i just wanna stay sixteen forever. No wait, let me go back to being fifteen instead. Let me make up for all the lost time, rebuild some relationships and reconsider some others because i went through an ending that wasn't what it was like in those fairytales - which are all a pack of lies btw because 'happily ever after' does not exists and its only capable of fooling young children. Right now i feel like a prisoner on death row and i don't want to be. It's the waiting that kills, not the execution. Don't you get what i mean? It sucks having to sit and stare, tangled up in sticky situations when you actually see an escape route but you just can't seem to get to it. I want to let God take control, take over the wheels. Thing is, this motor vehicle has already broken down. It's useless piece of crap, not worth any salvaging. But then again, despite all the different emotions stirring inside of me right now. I'm glad i'm still able to find some gratitude left(sound familiar? think twentieth april), that is, i am still alive. And i ought to thank _ for that text message which reminded me that indeed, our Father needs thanks giving as well. Sometimes i may not know Your ways, sometimes i may not understand and sometimes i can't trace your hand, but i'm going to trust Your heart. Because faith is the only thing that's keeping me going right now. And i pray i won't lose it.
Irony, irony, irony.
I hate being a lit student. Give me a simpler mind please.
Goodbye.
Charmaine is God's Child.
(I am far from perfect. But i will be perfect for that imperfect someone who is perfect for me.)
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"Above all else, guard your heart, for its the wellspring of life."
-Proverbs 3:12