hearts on loose.
Monday, April 20, 2009, 7:49 PM
Sixteen years worth of bruises and blunders
Precious Lord reveal your heart to me.
Father hold me, hold me.
Father hold me, hold me.
(Bring me back to You, because it's Your heart i want to trust.)
My heart is as frail as a dove/ And my spirit is as weak as a rose/ See my sorrow, feel my pain/ You're my refuge, You're my reason/ My strength in this beautiful place / That's where I find God
Dear God, where are you? Am i not trying hard enough?
I left the house feeling like the entire world's smiling at me. But in less than a couple of hours later, everything changed. Then, it started pouring instantly. They say, the man up there must be feeling equally devastated upon seeing those tears flowing down my face uncontrollably. I stood up, and went to a place where i could see the sky clearly. "Why?" I asked, staring up the dark and gloomy sky. But there was no answer. --- And so i went through the motion until the last bell rang went off at two fifty pm. A walking zombie, some might say. Not until they did something that cheered this pathetic soul up. It started with an introduction, in my very own classroom. She said, "You've got thirty minutes, run!!" But i had no strength at all. As i walked up the stairs, took a right turn and ended up outside the classroom i used to study in two years back, a million images flashed through my mind. Perhaps that's what they meant by 'walking down the memory lane'. The next stop was at the Library. Here's the part where the guys did the crazy thaipusam thingy during Music lessons and the Art work that could never done whenever we were brought down to the Library by Mr Sairi. Station three: The second floor girls' toilet. Trust the girls to come up with such an idea. But true enough, i'll never forget how we'd come up with excuses to go to the toilet together and all those remarks that went "Eh my hair messy anot ah?". Then comes the final stage before the big thing. I was given 'The Clay Marble' and a list of instructions to follow. The Clay Marble - how could i ever forget this? The time we ran in the rain to Nicole's house and got drenched from the inside out. The time when we fed the mosquitoes while waiting for Louise's perfect "NO". The time when our trailer made it to the Literature Festival. Well, i didn't follow the instructions. Simply because i saw them running towards the ISH and everyone else were 'camping' up there.
However terrible my day was, despite it being my birthday, you guys stood by me. And that, i should be thankful for. Honestly, i know i'm a very blessed child. I really know it. Yet when things start to make a three hundred and sixty degrees turn, i complain and claim that this world is unfair. I'm sorry for being so selfish. But i really am tired of caring for everyone else, besides the person i see in the mirror. As ironic as it may sound, it doesn't hurt anymore, only because it has already gone numb. I know i've got tonnes of explanations to do. And i do know that any decision i make would leave at least a person hurt. So here's what. I'm going to make a choice, i don't want to love anymore. Don't tell me you'd be waiting no matter how long it's gonna take, cos let me tell you it's not worth it. I'm not afraid of falling down again. I really ain't. It's just the process that i'm sick and tired of going through again and again. I'm really tired of trying to salvage all those relationships with the people i've lost along the way. And despite all that, you people never seem to realise. If you didn't know, the day you walked out of my life, you took my heart along and left something called scars. Don't tell me to cheer up and smile, because the people that should be caring, actually ain't giving a damn.
If you're dying to know the reason why, too bad, i'm not saying. All you have to know is that those tears were not shed for the male species on this earth. Go figure.
Besides all the variety of emotions stirring up inside of me right now, i'm glad i could still find some gratitude left and here's to all those that helped make today a better one. Special thanks to the Poppins + the boys for the really unforgettable birthday plan/surprise/celebration, Syah for her 0809 massage, Alawiyyah for keeping me company and asking if i'm okay countless of times, BFF for your prayer and for just being there and Koe for the midnight surprise. Not forgetting those who flooded my inbox and facebook page with your birthday wishes as well. I really do appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
When the world has fallen out from under me/ I'll be found in You, still standing/ Every fear and accusation under my feet/ When time and space are through/ I'll be found in You.
I am going to sleep. Because when you sleep, everything slows down (for once) and those things that would make you cry, slowly fades away as well. I am going to sleep.
Labels: birthday, Jesus, joy, school/friends, thoughts
Charmaine is God's Child.
(I am far from perfect. But i will be perfect for that imperfect someone who is perfect for me.)
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"Above all else, guard your heart, for its the wellspring of life."
-Proverbs 3:12